Parenting Truths I Learned The Hard Way

A popular definition of insanity is to repeat the same action but expect different results. Motherhood requires this. Letting your child “try” always ends in the destruction of something expensive/irreplaceable/precious to you, but you have to expect that they will get it right “next time.”


The top five foods that are hardest to clean after they have started to dry even a little are:

1. Runny egg yolk.
2. Oatmeal.
3. Honey/syrup.
4. Tomato Sauce.
5. Pancake/waffle batter.

Bonus points if you’ve ever had to clean these things from a thing you can’t soak in the sink, i.e. floor/carpet, front of kitchen cabinets, the ceiling, etc.


The psychological effect of a baby gate can last well past the physical effectiveness if used judiciously.


Children have selective senses. They “can’t” hear you screaming to drop-and-definitely-don’t-put-in-your-mouth that disgustingly dirty, rancid-smelling, vaguely food-appearing thing they picked up on the ground at the playground, but they can hear the tiniest whisper of a youtube video from across the house through shut doors and locate your chocolate stash by smell with the accuracy of a well-trained blood hound.


They are completely incapable of figuring out where they took their left shoe off. But they will become freaking Sherlock Holmes and deduce that you ate a cookie alone in the bathroom by the faint lingering smell on your breath, the tiniest crumb clinging to your shirt, and the suspicious door-shutting that happened.


The first words that your kids learn how to spell are the names of the restricted items you and your spouse discreetly try to discuss eating or watching after kid bedtime (ex. ice cream or a movie).


Children are adept at identifying the one word or phrase in a long complicated, even quiet, rant in a conversation with other grownups that you would never want them to repeat. They are also prone to repeating said word or phrase for the rest of the day. Bonus points if they use it correctly in a sentence. You’ll be torn between horror and pride.


Even the cutest thing kids say or do is only cute in moderation.

What else belongs on the list?

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